It was my daughter’s cheer competition this weekend. Going to the games is tough these days and I need help, Imagine traveling 3 hours away for competition. I’m glad my daughter can drive now and it takes a lot of stops because I have to stand some.
I was involved in a car accident back in 2016 and what didn’t seem so bad to my eyes (perception) turned out to be my worst nightmare.
I mean the kids car was totaled and he was picking his pieces up as the cop told him to put them in his trunk. You could see his whole radiator but my car, it had damage on the back drivers side corner panel the tire was way bent but I had at least 3 days before it would fall off.
I was on my way to get my daughter from school. When I turned on the street to her school I was hit by a kid that floored through the stop sign. Who knew from that day forward my life would change. What did not look so bad on my end by the looks of my car (perception) turned out down the road to be bad. I have always had to adjust to major life changes like when my husband died unexpectedly.
All I could think about was, “shoot I am late, I have to get my daughter” the cop ended up driving my car getting it out of the road and pulling in to more appropriate spot until the kids mother arrived.
He was a minor.
We did what we had to exchanged info, the boy got ticketed (which I did feel bad).
I finally was able to go and get my daughter and that was all I was worried about.
My life has always been about her, living in fast forward to make sure she was always taken care of.
As long as I could drive my car to pick her up I was GOLDEN or so I THOUGHT.
A voice inside of me was telling me to take pictures go to the hospital to just get checked out since I had 14 days to do so before you couldn’t.
I listened to that little voice the entire time.
You know I don’t even think I made a big deal about the accident to my daughter when I picked her up. Actually, I know I didn’t because for the first time a couple of weeks ago, I broke down crying. My daughter just hug me and said I never had cried in front of her. It dawned me . I can’t believe I thought all these years I couldn’t break down in front of her. I had to hold it together for her. What was I teaching her by doing that? That’s neither here nor there . I have learned the lesson that children need to see us vulnerable to learn compassion.
Life went on as usual, you know marching forward living in fast forward. In the following months I got sick with the flu twice, so did my daughter she had Scarlett Fever. I mean who hears of that these days!! Then I got hit in the stomach (literally) stubborn me laid on the floor for 3 days because I thought I had the stomach bug. Until, I was rushed to the ER from turning yellow. I still got up for church though because back then and still now. It was AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE HOLD, WE WILL SERVE THE LORD.
On my way there, sick as a dog. My daughter was like “mom, your eyes are so yellow”!! I mean I thought my skin looked a little different but I hadn’t been outside in 3 days from thinking I had the flu, so I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
I was later rushed to the ER, having emergency surgery to have my gallbladder removed.
I remember I was so hungry after they had admit me to the hospital for surgery the following day.
My friend left behind friend chicken, now yes they told me not to eat but I was so hungry and I figured “what the hek, I won’t have my gall bladder after tomorrow.
I hid the the chicken under the bed until I could eat it.
WORST mistake EVER for that particular happening in my life “hey, I never claimed to make good decisions all the time” lol
when the nurse came in, I told her and gave her the chicken to throw out.
Had my surgery moved forward in life, a week later I’m just beginning to feel better and BOOM, my eyes are yellow again same scenario, this time a stone was left in my bile duct and I was going in for another emergency surgery.
Got released and thank God all was good for awhile. Then my dad got very sick! He was dying. No, literally he was a goner, we all knew this day would come at some point. Alcohol was his demon but we all have demons.
I hadn’t really talked to my dad in a few years but I went to go see him and I knew.
Finally, he got better after staying in the hospital for almost 2 years but now he was being released and needed round the clock care.
I can’t do nursing homes and this was my father despite what he has ever done to me. I saw a man and my heart was moved, he looked like a “little child” lost, scared confused.
He kept having to go back to the hospital every time he got out.
No one else could or would take him. They probably felt it wasn’t their responsibility and it wasn’t but like I said we all wrestle with demons.
I said he could come live with me at the same time I was thinking, “how is this going to go down” at least he couldn’t do to much, he had weeped away to nothing. He couldn’t eat, breath barely even move. There was nights I would sit by him to make sure he was breathing. I would make his coffee and food when I wasn’t working.
He liked to listen to news and Jerry Springer. I’m sorry I keep a very quite atmosphere because I know it’s key for me.
I told him he could lay there and die while negative words were being poured into his spirit or listen to positive ones. He still didn’t listen. So, at night when he fell asleep I would leave the Christian channels on, I knew it would rush over his spirit while he was sleeping.
I left books everywhere of devotions, positive encouragement words with life.
To my surprise he was reading every one. I mean they were little quick reads but you have to start somewhere. I would actually rotate them out because he had read them.
He was getting better.
Then in September 2017, a hurricane was to hit Florida, Irma, I mean the news made it look like it was going to swallow up Florida. I might would have stayed but then I got a phone call from a family member that lived in the home I was renting for 5 years prior to me. She told me what I ever I do to get out!!
Now, I was in full flight or fight mode. Natural bodies response to stress.
I didn’t know how I was going to tell my dad that I was leaving and either I would through him over my shoulder and he could come with me to TN or I was dropping him off at his place that they had to remodel due to mold.
All within this time frame, both my legs were starting to ache real real bad. Like a toothache pain. I would tell one of my friends that came to visit and my dad. I knew it wasn’t normal.
Needless to say I left the state fleeing from Irma.
In the middle of that trip, my legs all of a sudden felt like someone took a match and lit them on fire.
I came back to FL, to have no home and most all of our belongings on the side of the road.
I was so worried about everyone else, never did it dawn on me that I would actually be the one to loose my home.
I looked at it with my daughter and said “well, where ever I am is home”
We never stepped foot back into the life we once knew.
It’s too much to go into, I got worse physically ended up needing a rare and not recommended surgery.
Plus, possibly two more in the near future.
Out of the house being taken a prayer I had been praying finally came true. A home for myself and daughter at least by the time she was a teen.
I have many challenges ahead I learned many things about family and friends during and through all of this.
Im having to learn a new way of life physically because I am no longer the same. I can’t do much of anything BUT write WHEN I can concentrate because the pain gets so high.
I still have things that need to be fixed and if I should remain this way, then it’s just about acceptance and learning a new way of life.
Of course it’s not fair trust me I cried many tears after my pride dropped.
I have been challenged, molded and shaped in ways that I think back and wonder. How the hek, did I make it through that but I know how.
I learned I needed to slow down more in life. Stop smell the roses. I needed to be a Mary instead of a Martha for those that know what that means.
I try to put a positive to every negative it could always be worse.
I have been judged because I do stay positive just because I am positive or try to (trust me I have had much (self-pity) and fight depression on some days.
My positive does not mean I don’t suffer I am in the worst imaginable pain, on most days. Pain no one could ever understand unless it was them. I have been hurt emotionally by others not only physically.
I been rejected by family in my most time of need.
However, through all of that it made me learn to trust myself
Because as the saying goes….
When God pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust him fully because two things can happen, Either He’ll catch you when you fall or He will teach you how to fly