Has anyone ever asked themselves the above questions, do you have any idea what it means or the dynamics behind it, have you ever asked yourself or perhaps wondered, why you felt so different from family, friends etc?
I have for many many years.
Now this might be hard for me to write in the chance others should come to read…..”BUT” I will not allow any part of my life to any longer remain on hold. I will jump out of my comfort zone, come out from the unfamiliar and do what I was meant to do in life. I will no longer remain “complacent” for the sake of others.
I care not of the opinions of others unless it’s fruitful and good for correction as the Bible says:
He that refuses instruction despises his own soul, but he who listens to reproof gets understanding. -Proverbs 15:32
So, I will push past any “fear” and take the jump right into this study. I came across this study roughly two years ago, when I was living with a family member but I have been studying bits and pieces for quite sometime before that.
I guess everything started to make sense once I arrived at “family members’ house do to loosing my home in a hurricane.
It was wonderful at first for a few months at that. Then I started to feel a familiar feeling that I couldn’t quite pin point. This particular “family member,”was starting to remind me of another.
I couldn’t quite figure out why and then I was led to an intense study as I tried to stay “under the radar,” and away from home (at that point).
I will save that study for another blog.
Let’s get into the Scapegoat, Golden Child or if you even know what it is because I didn’t. I just knew I felt different.
Simply put this will be my testimony in the hopes to educate others.
All my life practically I felt different, labeled, judged and condemned it was as if I walked into a room instead of appearing I felt as though I disappeared.
Anytime I tried to voice myself I was immediately met with resistance, called argumentative, defensive or starting trouble and that’s even if I was talked to.
Which in return made me furious because I could not understand the treatment and I felt very low and unworthy.
If I tried to join into conversation I would be looked at and then ignored, anywhere I tried to fit in I just couldn’t. No one cared to hear anything I had to say even if I brought up a topic I am sure it went ignored or I was talked over, it was as if I did not exist, usually I preferred to hang out with the kids at that point, or go outside and be alone but as if that was not good enough.
I was labeled “anti-social,” and not by a psychiatrist, sadly all were “family members,” with the exception of a few, which were normally kids or flying monkeys but that is for another blog.
A Scapegoat is someone living with abuse, and may feel everything is their fault.
I will go into a deeper blog about what kind of abuse this entails and when you understand and become more versed on this kind of abuse operates, you will begin to realize that the abuser/s project their disowned in except able parts on to you and make you out to be the enemy.
The abuser/s, whittle, and blast away at your self-worth (reason for feeling unworthy) and self- belief (why one doubts themselves so much), and because the arguments and tirades become so disturbing, so exhausting and so painful you will at these times be constantly defending yourself, fighting for your integrity and trying against all odds to prove that you are a good person with integrity and it’s the abuser/s that is actually these things which he or she is accusing you of
It is a fruitless battle…..
The Bible says:
Vindictive me, O Lord, for I have walked in my integrity, And I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. – Proverbs 26:1
For your education and still my own because when you are incapable of comprehending or processing these accusations by another. Reviewing and educating is necessary to the processing period.( However, long that takes.)
They accuse you of what they are “projecting”:
•Non caring and incapable partner
•A bad parent
•A gold digger
•Competing with him or her
•Untrustworthy, to confide in or go to for support
•Doing what you do in the world simply for ego gratification
Amongst, many other things as this list can go on, as well as being accused of being what they are (these types of abusers, that I will discuss in another blog posts).
So, by now if you think everything is your fault……
The abuser/s set you up for the blame.
I know hard to wrap your head around and process but please, do try to process this, (Should you have made it this far into the blog post).
If you have ever battled with codependency (another blog), over functioning and poor boundary functioning you will be very susceptible to excepting the blame, or get caught up trying to defend yourself against the blame.
This type of abuser/s will even use examples from your past, however ridiculous it is to pin the reasons they have dirt on you, before you know it, you start to justify and try to argue your defense.
Some, try to avoid this destruction of being hit at their fearful core start accepting (becoming complacent, loosing identity) the blame and actually start believing it.
It’s absolutely soul destroying and you loose a sense of self.
Please try to remember through this testimonial blog that these abuser/s are angry tormented child in an adults body without the capacity for remorse or accountability or conscience, therefore, even if you do except blame and start believing you are horrible or defective person the abuser will no grant you any peace.
This is how I felt for the longest time angry, horrible and defective all while I was perceiving and projecting out myself with these abuser/s were on to me.
Have the courage to turn and face the flames and quietly walk away!